Mr Bad Boy v. Mr Nice Guy

I have never been very good at dating two men at a time. I always considered it to be a thing women do in their twenties. When I have attempted to date two people at once, my heart starts to sway towards one than the other and before you know it, I am left with neither! But….and as many friends of mine tell me, always date more than one guy so you are never hooked on any one of them. So when one lets you down, you know you always have a back -up. I am about to really give this a go. It’s definitely not how I would imagine meeting ‘the one’ but maybe this time one of them could come good.

Male specimen 1 - This is an online date and he is the last guy to have contacted before I said ‘no more’! We had been exchanging messages for a couple of months and his messages were detailed enough and well composed. He’d shown good interest in my life and I liked his photos including the quirky quiff and geeky glasses. Oh, did I mention he has a cute smile? All seems rather good, doesn’t it? We finally got round to meeting. It turns out he is a northerner, he failed to mention that in his profile which I thought was strange. But, I don’t have anything against folk from the north of Watford, I actually found his strong Yorkshire accent quite endearing. What else he failed to mention (in fact, what he lied about) is his age. He is actually 38 as opposed to 35 as stated on his profile. Not an issue for me but clearly, he has an issue with it. Apparently, women over forty hit on men in their late thirties, haha!

The smoking kind

As first dates go, I gave it the thumbs up. He was friendly, flirtatious and cheeky and mixed with a few drinks, I could safely say I enjoyed his company. One thing however, he smokes. I can’t quite bear smokers. I am the type who passes smokers in the street and I either cover my mouth or wave my hand around my face to be rid of the disgusting smell. When he kissed me goodnight, I hesitated due to the cigarette breath. I soon succumbed due to his attractive nature and, despite the stale cigarette smell, the kiss happened to be rather good! Now, I am not done. That is not all he smokes. He says he partakes in a bit of marijuana every now and then. ‘How often?’ I asked. ‘About once a week’, he answered. Hmmm…

So make of that what you will. Our second date was of similar ilk. He took me to dinner and he did one of the sweetest things. If I said something verging on the sensitive side, he leaned across the table and kissed me. Tick! This guy openly talks about wanting to be in a relationship and settling down. Tick! He also happens to have trained as a chef in his youth. Tick! But he would light a cigarette at any outdoor opportunity. X! This Yorkshireman has had a difficult childhood and he uses the ‘f’ word quite loosely in conversation, so as you can imagine, he is a little rough around the edges. I suspect he has had a lot of girlfriends too. I hate to be so judgemental but I would have to class him a rough diamond, potentially being a ‘Bad Boy‘. If we were to become seriously involved, I fear it could all end in tears…

Male Specimen 2 - This chap was a set up from an ex-work colleague. She thinks we would make a good match as we come from similar backgrounds. It turns out we have family connections and I met him once at my uncle’s surprise 50^th - ten years ago! RANDOM! I remotely remember talking to him, particularly the part where he said he went to a Los Angeles acting school after his accountancy degree. Who does that?! Back then, I was young, he was even younger and he wasn’t what I was looking for.

Just too nice?

Ten years on, is he what I am looking for now? Well, he is very nice. And I mean a big, fat, four letter N-I-C-E. On our first date, the man had one alcoholic drink (ok, he was driving) and he spoke eloquently. He talked at length about his family (and mine, bizarrely), his work, holidays….blah, blah, blah. All very predictable and ‘NICE‘. No flirting or cheekiness, quite the opposite to the Yorkshireman, and definitely no swearing. He strikes me as a very homely, studious and hard-working type. He has recently bought his own house which he is renovating and has a masters from Oxford. A bright one. It was no holds barred, I got the low down on most areas of his life. But then where is the mystery?

I am being judgemental again. I am painting a picture of him visiting his mum most evenings and getting home cooked meals. This well-educated man has had a good upbringing, intelligent and friendly but I think he might be a bit too pure and nicey-nicey for me. I would like a bit of unpredictability and intrigue but it all feels a bit too straight-laced with Mr Nice Guy. 

Drawn to a rebel 

Can you tell which one has got my attention at this early stage? Yes, Mr Bad Boy. I already know he is going to excite me and bring out my devilish side but would he be prepared to commit? Can I trust him when he says he wants a relationship? Mr Nice-Guy has already been vetted out for me by my work colleague who has known him since university days. He is trustworthy and squeaky clean. Despite knowing all this, I am once again drawn to the rebel. Question is, what will this rebel cause for me…only time will tell…

Summer breeze, makes me feel high

Some dates you go on you wonder where it will lead, others you know you are flogging a dead horse.  Then there are some that you know exactly where they are heading.  Straight to the bedroom.

The instructions were clear: wear something red, a mac and no underwear.  No knickers to be exact.  So I obliged on all accounts – I’m good like that.

My initial thought was could I actually walk out of my house without any knickers on?  Only I would know…so what would be the problem?  I’ve never done this before – I’m not that kinda girl ;)

As I was getting ready, I was already beginning to feel the pangs of excitement.   Freshly showered, moisturiser slathered all over my body, a spritz of perfume – I’m good to go.  Nope wait…I suppose I should wear something on my top half at least.  There…done.  Wow.  And there it is, it’s just there for the taking.  Nothing restricting me.  Access all areas. 

 

Out in public, my anxiety begins.  People are staring at me – they know, they can see through me.  I’ve got that look on my face.   Why are there suddenly so many men on the tube tonight?  And why do they all happen to be staring in my direction?! The cold air rises up and in between my legs.  It feels fresh, like a gentle blowing breeze.  I’m walking sex but I don’t want anyone else knowing that. I’m sitting down carefully, very slowly crossing my legs.   The mac covers my dress so it looks like I’m wearing nothing.  I feel like I’m wearing nothing.  I am wearing nothing down below!  I’m walking differently too.  I’m walking tall, it’s a false sense of confidence.  Yet I feel amazing. 

The anticipation mixed with excitement about what will happen tonight is thrilling me to the core.   I think I may lose it from the first point of contact.  I can hear his voice telling me what to do.   I can imagine where his hands are going.  I can picture him putting me into position.   It’s a wet evening (naturally) and we meet both dripping with further wetness between our mouths.  He doesn’t know yet.  I want to tell him but I also want him to find out.

It isn’t long before I tell him I have a surprise for him.  It was all worth it for the look on his face…and what suitably followed.

Banish the Cocktail bars and Ditch the Make up

Who likes a cocktail? Maybe the question should be who doesn’t?  Well, stop right there.  Do not say another word or move another muscle.  I have some very important news for you that should change your life.  That is, if you are a single, fabulous woman who wants to meet a wonderful man.  Save your cocktails for home and put your make up aside.

No more make up!

What you are doing right now not working for you, right?  You have tried speed dating, online dating, blind dating and if there was door-to-door house dating, you’d be trying that too.

You have read the usual tips on how to meet guys: go out more, be more forward, get a hobby, join a fitness class etcetera, etcetera.  And you have done all that too, many times over.  But just take a step back for a moment and think about this.  These wonderfully chic, sophisticated wine and cocktail places you frequent with your equally wonderfully chic, sophisticated girlfriends (also single), wearing your wonderfully chic, sophisticated (not to mention elegant) dress, heels and hairstyle (all perfectly coiffed) are not doing you ANY favours.  Why? I hear you ask.  Well, who actually frequents these swanky, glamorous bars (apart from your good self)?  MORE women like your good self and… gay men.  And if there are any heterosexuals there, they would be the well-groomed, eyebrow plucked, hair over-done types – nobody wants to date a man like that, do they?

I know it is pretty much hard to swallow right now and when I had this self-realisation myself, I became a little concerned.  No more cocktails?  No more lounge bars with funky music?  No more cute foreign bar men??  ‘Afraid so.  It is now time to banish the glossy hair and lips, chuck your 4 inch stilettos in the back of your closet (save them for when you are dating your 6’2” hunk of a boyfriend!) and start hitting the sports bars and grimy, old man’s pubs. 

I know you have spent all of your thirties avoiding such hideous, smelly, ugly places but it’s now time to revisit these places where you were ordering a cider and black and throwing up in the toilets at 23 years of age.  This (sadly) is where the real men are.  Some not very nice men, but some ‘ordinary’ type men where they are just chilling out with their mates and not eye-ing up every other woman in the bar.

So I can’t dress up anymore and look pretty anymore? Unfortunately, that is the harsh reality of it all.  Do you do any of the following when getting ready to go out: spend ages agonising about what to wear, how to style your hair, which shoe colour, eye shadow colour and nail colour would look best with your new purchased outfit?  If you answered yes to any of these, then it is time to take part in my experiment.  I am setting out a challenge to all women who truly want to meet a genuine guy and are sick to death of going out in the hope that some guy out there will ask for your number.  Gorgeous as you maybe dolled up to the nines; it naturally gives off an air of high maintenance to some men and can only work for you in the short run. 

The Challenge.  On your next night out (where you will be visiting a sports bar/pub), put on trainers or flat shoes, wear loose, comfortable clothing, comb your hair but no styling products and just wear cover-up make up because we all know that some things need covering up! Give it a go – what do you have to lose?

So, time for me to take my own advice, get off this laptop and venture to the no-so-pretty pub in my area and see what desirables are there waiting for me.  Barefaced and all and without a cocktail in sight.

Good luck to one and all!  Can’t wait to hear how you all get on.




Girl with a big heart: Chemistry in the City

Girl with a big heart: Chemistry in the City: A touch of spark is all that is required If you have experienced any of the following: belly flopping laughter; a ton of stuff in comm...

Chemistry in the City

A touch of spark is all that is required

If you have experienced any of the following: belly flopping laughter; a ton of stuff in common; talking to the early hours;  all night to-the-earth-and-back rocket sex, then chances are you are one of the lucky ones who have experienced CHEMISTRY. 

It’s the kind of stuff that everyone is looking for in a date.  You know it’s there because something is drawing the two of you together.  It may only be one thing – but it sure to hell can work a treat.  My lover and I have this immense physical chemistry that most people only dream about. It’s fair to say that we simply cannot keep our hands off each other.  But that’s a whole other story…

In pursuit of finding another kind of chemistry, I dug out an old date.  He is very sweet, thoughtful, kind and keen to settle down.  We had stayed as friends and knowing that I don’t fancy him, I got thinking about looking beyond the physical side of things.  I thought maybe after 12 months, things may go differently this time.  Well, he still looked the same, in fact, maybe a little shorter (or my six foot one lover made him look shorter?)  Could I possibly create this ‘chemistry’ through our mutual compassionate nature and likeability factor? 

I gave it a shot.  Date 1 (second time around) went like this:  I asked him about his new job (yawn); we talked about holidays (mine), he asked me about my family (yawn again) and he talked about hanging around with his married sister and her baby most Saturdays, where people thought they were a couple – WEIRD!

Not a good start.  Still, I pursued it with a few cocktails down me to help things along a bit.  Then, his jokes started.   Not the ‘Knock, knock‘ jokes, just taking the piss kind of stuff.  Now I’m all for that…when you can actually make me laugh.   I smiled, sniggered, chuckled even, and at times, had to force a few giggles out.  I have been on numerous dates where I can honestly say guys have made me laugh out loud and those are the dates that I have enjoyed the most.  So without that happening, I’m afraid it was going to be a losing battle. 

Fear not.  Date 2 – second time around (maybe we were both on the nervous side on Date 1 – second time around??), we had dinner and more cocktails.  He paid me so many compliments but for some reason, I didn’t want to hear them.  He even got me a cocktail called ‘Oscar Angel Face’ saying it was just right for me.  When I said I was thirsty, he stood at the bar for ages to get me a glass of water.  Aaaaaaah, I hear you say.  Oh dear, in my pursuit of this ‘chemistry’, I may have led this guy up the garden path.  It just didn’t work.  By the way, did I tell you that his phone screen saver is his sister's baby 3D scan from 10 months ago?  Taxi!!!

So, I couldn’t create this chemistry with him but I am still left wondering whether it is something that can be built.  If there is attraction, common goals and similarities between two people, then maybe chemistry is something that can be developed over time.

David Givens Ph.D, anthropologist and author of Love Signals says, “You can create chemistry. Ordinary courtship goes over a period of weeks and months, and it builds up and adds up and eventually you get this kind of chemical bonding. Eye contact and discussing personal subjects can accelerate this chemical bond”.

I certainly know lots of people who will say that if it is not there instantly, if you do not feel the ‘ping’, then walk away and don’t try and force it.

If like me, you find it difficult to tell whether chemistry is there, then ask some of your nearest and dearest to tell you what their definition of chemistry is.  Here is what they said to me:

“You feed off each other in a positive way”

“It’s that feeling of comfort right off the bat with someone, feeling like you've known them a long time even if you haven't. It's almost like you can feel them even without touching them”

“You get butterflies in your tummy. You feel weak at the knees. But more than that you connect in such a way that everyone around you thinks you’re crazy”

“It’s like a natural closeness, comfortable silences”

“Just like a chemical equation, chemistry between two people must be balanced. The feelings are mutual and just like in normal chemistry; some things are just naturally drawn together and stick together. Keep in mind, some things are easily separated and some things are almost impossible to keep apart...”

“They are like great friends, and treat each other that way. One doesn't always have to be right, just able to communicate it correctly”

“To be able to have that kind of conversation, into the dying years, you will need a good partner who will converse with you”

“The only person that knows if chemistry is there is you”

I won’t be the only one to know if it’s there, the whole world will hear about it too.  Now, where is that one person to help me feel it…?

Love Other Lovers

    If you are like me, you are sick of the sight of couples.  Couples holding hands down the street, couples kissing on the Underground, couples gazing lovingly at each other over a romantic meal.  And don’t get me started on all those happy couples who announce their engagements after five minutes of knowing each other.

So, on my recent writing holiday, I ordinarily would throw a hissy fit at the sight of two young, hot things getting it on before my eyes.  However, I didn’t this time.  Tori and Nathan were the two most kindest and most caring people I have ever met.  They were also sparking off one another like they had known each other for years.  Now there was a couple that I actually felt belonged together.  I surprised myself by how happy I was when I saw the romance blossoming before my very eyes.  They were a brilliant match and I truly felt blessed that those two sweethearts found their very own sweethearts on a beautiful Greek island.

I would look at these two lovebirds, and not feel envious or bitterness towards them.  Instead, I looked at this pairing and genuinely felt pleased that it could happen to some folk.  I felt their warmth and compassionate nature and tried to take a bit of that home with me.  Could I possibly feel their energy and chemistry and capture that for myself?  If I could box it up and sell it, I am sure I’d make a ton of money.  Well, instead, I’ve learnt that it is time to smile sweetly at such loveliness and embrace this mushy, gooey, honey pot of goodness.  I fully intend to continue to feel more joy for other couples in lurrrve and aim to encourage more delight and pleasure from these Cupid’s target cherubs.

So, let us take note Ladies.  Maybe we need to change that pessimistic, negative attitude and stop rolling our eyes, saying ‘get a room’.  From tomorrow, make it your mission to find a blissfully, happy couple and congratulate them (they may even go the distance!).  Pinch a bit of what they are feeling and let it surge through you.  You may be surprised what you can attract in the process. 

Holiday romance? Ok!

Cupid can fire her arrow in any direction she likes and hopefully one day, it will be fired in my direction and – bullseye - love will be mine.

NB:  On returning from the sunny, island of dreams, Tori and Nathan are still together and it was not just a holiday romance!  Yay!!

A most satisfied customer

Having always been the one to wait patiently (all my thirty-something life) to be asked out, I found myself taking a leap of faith and made an attempt at being an ‘asker’ as opposed to an ‘askee’ for a change.  Well, it wasn’t much of a question rather than a request (or possibly a demand).  No eye-contact or verbal communication needed, making the whole process lot easier; the written word was the appropriate approach given the location!

Rewind 30 minutes earlier.  I was browsing the bookshelves of a well-known shop for a city guide for my forthcoming trip to Valencia, when I noticed to the right of me a rather devilishly good-looking sales assistant.  So engrossed was I in hunting for this city guide that I almost missed out on this hunk of a man! I casually called out for help in locating this sought-after book and he tried his best to locate it for me (bless him).  Distracting me with his chiselled looks and hands the size of dinner plates however, I almost forgot what I was looking for and set this handsome creature with another task at hand:

“Do you have Lady Chatterly’s Lover?” I asked. Damn, why on earth had I requested that?  He persevered in his search for said book, looking it up on the computerised system but it failed to come up (now, now, stop it, you dirty-minded folk).  Well, I certainly wasn’t going to leave empty handed.  I had to exchange something with this fine specimen even if it wasn’t going to be saliva.

“I’ll take this”.  It was titled ‘Of Love and Hope’ – a celebration of all aspects of life and love.  “I’m feeling poetic”.  Urg, corny wasn’t the word!  Still, I am sure I can put this book of poems into good use, reciting romantic verses while lying in bed next to beautiful man after our all night love-making session.  Back to reality, I purchased said book, exchanged pleasantries and exited the shop. 

Outside the shop, it was go for broke time.  I scribbled my name, number and a simple ‘Call me’ on the back of the receipt of my recent purchase.  I walked straight back into the shop and, having noticed that he was away from the counter assisting some other poor soul in searching a book of love (or pursuing him more likely),  I shoved the note under his keyboard at the counter and dashed out faster than you can say ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

So, my theory is:  the customer is always right and the right thing to do as a customer was to go back in there and ensure that the customer leaves completely satisfied, right?!  And not only is the customer right and satisfied, but she got a text from bookshop man that very evening!

Customer service at its best! J