Mr Potentially 'The One'

I have regressed.  After vowing very loudly that I would NEVER go back to online dating, I caved in once again.  EHarmony , one of the few online dating sites I hadn’t tried, somehow emailed me (am I on some database or something?) and tempted me on with a free offer.  I have had several friends tell me recently that it has the best success rates but I was dubious...surely it’s just another online dating site with more non-committal types?

I had been on for about a week when I scoured through numerous profiles and sent some ‘smiles’.  And let the conversations begin.  Mr Potentially ‘The One’ went straight into saying how he liked my profile and wrote confidently and articulately but also has a chatty tone.  We exchanged messages for about a week when he suggested about meeting up.  Coincidentally, he works less than 50 metres away from my office  in central London.   Now that is pretty rare, considering  I have spend that last 10 years of my life working in schools near home and as soon as I land a new ‘office’ type job, it just happens to be around the corner from Mr Potentially ‘The One’?  I'm spooked.  I do practise the Laws of Attraction and I have gone as far as creating a vision board to bring forth my knight in shining armour so I am now wondering if this visualisation lark does actually work?!

We met one evening after work and I had got to the bar before him as he was in a late meeting.  I saw him walk in and knew it was him instantly.  He also found me straight away.  A double cheek kiss.  He smelt great and he looked even better.  The first thing I noticed was his eyes.  He had incredibly long eyelashes that curled up to his lids.  He walked off to get a drink at the bar and naturally I looked him up and down.  I really wasn’t expecting to see a very tight behind! My eyes widened and I  gave a secret chuckle to myself and tugged at my collar, I was feeling rather warm! His clothes were very fitted  which accentuated a body that made me go weak at the knees.

Our conversation flowed and he was very easy to talk to.  We both have knee injuries from working out, he also has an allergy (his being to wasps stinks, mine to nuts), we both are real foodies (eating, not making), and he just strikes me as a very likeable , friendly guy.  He is passionate about playing guitar but he abandoned it for the last ten years to focus on his career;  I could relate to that having not participated in any acting until to years ago.  I guess you could say we have some connections and with his hot looks and decent conversation, it’s safe to say I was pretty happy to be on a date with him!

Can he be the one please?

Soon after dinner, I gave him a clear indication that I liked him.  I can only blame the alcohol I had consumed up until then.  He came back from the toilet and I patted the seat next to me so he could sit beside me.  It wasn’t long before we interlocked hands and he leaned in and kissed me.  I responded, in fact, I couldn't quite wait to snog the face off him.  Eeek, too soon?  I don’t know but we had already shared some lingering looks over dinner.  He kissed very gently and placed his hand around my neck/face area which I absolutely adore.  Some men are hideous kissers but he wasn’t at all, I'd go as far as saying he was the perfect kisser.  And I got to touch his arms which were HARD; that may have helped a little bit.

So,  it was a really good night, with more smoochies in the bar and lots of smiling and looking into each other’s eyes.  It’s early days yet, but I have a good feeling about this one.

Mr Bad Boy v. Mr Nice Guy

I have never been very good at dating two men at a time. I always considered it to be a thing women do in their twenties. When I have attempted to date two people at once, my heart starts to sway towards one than the other and before you know it, I am left with neither! But….and as many friends of mine tell me, always date more than one guy so you are never hooked on any one of them. So when one lets you down, you know you always have a back -up. I am about to really give this a go. It’s definitely not how I would imagine meeting ‘the one’ but maybe this time one of them could come good.

Male specimen 1 - This is an online date and he is the last guy to have contacted before I said ‘no more’! We had been exchanging messages for a couple of months and his messages were detailed enough and well composed. He’d shown good interest in my life and I liked his photos including the quirky quiff and geeky glasses. Oh, did I mention he has a cute smile? All seems rather good, doesn’t it? We finally got round to meeting. It turns out he is a northerner, he failed to mention that in his profile which I thought was strange. But, I don’t have anything against folk from the north of Watford, I actually found his strong Yorkshire accent quite endearing. What else he failed to mention (in fact, what he lied about) is his age. He is actually 38 as opposed to 35 as stated on his profile. Not an issue for me but clearly, he has an issue with it. Apparently, women over forty hit on men in their late thirties, haha!

The smoking kind

As first dates go, I gave it the thumbs up. He was friendly, flirtatious and cheeky and mixed with a few drinks, I could safely say I enjoyed his company. One thing however, he smokes. I can’t quite bear smokers. I am the type who passes smokers in the street and I either cover my mouth or wave my hand around my face to be rid of the disgusting smell. When he kissed me goodnight, I hesitated due to the cigarette breath. I soon succumbed due to his attractive nature and, despite the stale cigarette smell, the kiss happened to be rather good! Now, I am not done. That is not all he smokes. He says he partakes in a bit of marijuana every now and then. ‘How often?’ I asked. ‘About once a week’, he answered. Hmmm…

So make of that what you will. Our second date was of similar ilk. He took me to dinner and he did one of the sweetest things. If I said something verging on the sensitive side, he leaned across the table and kissed me. Tick! This guy openly talks about wanting to be in a relationship and settling down. Tick! He also happens to have trained as a chef in his youth. Tick! But he would light a cigarette at any outdoor opportunity. X! This Yorkshireman has had a difficult childhood and he uses the ‘f’ word quite loosely in conversation, so as you can imagine, he is a little rough around the edges. I suspect he has had a lot of girlfriends too. I hate to be so judgemental but I would have to class him a rough diamond, potentially being a ‘Bad Boy‘. If we were to become seriously involved, I fear it could all end in tears…

Male Specimen 2 - This chap was a set up from an ex-work colleague. She thinks we would make a good match as we come from similar backgrounds. It turns out we have family connections and I met him once at my uncle’s surprise 50^th - ten years ago! RANDOM! I remotely remember talking to him, particularly the part where he said he went to a Los Angeles acting school after his accountancy degree. Who does that?! Back then, I was young, he was even younger and he wasn’t what I was looking for.

Just too nice?

Ten years on, is he what I am looking for now? Well, he is very nice. And I mean a big, fat, four letter N-I-C-E. On our first date, the man had one alcoholic drink (ok, he was driving) and he spoke eloquently. He talked at length about his family (and mine, bizarrely), his work, holidays….blah, blah, blah. All very predictable and ‘NICE‘. No flirting or cheekiness, quite the opposite to the Yorkshireman, and definitely no swearing. He strikes me as a very homely, studious and hard-working type. He has recently bought his own house which he is renovating and has a masters from Oxford. A bright one. It was no holds barred, I got the low down on most areas of his life. But then where is the mystery?

I am being judgemental again. I am painting a picture of him visiting his mum most evenings and getting home cooked meals. This well-educated man has had a good upbringing, intelligent and friendly but I think he might be a bit too pure and nicey-nicey for me. I would like a bit of unpredictability and intrigue but it all feels a bit too straight-laced with Mr Nice Guy. 

Drawn to a rebel 

Can you tell which one has got my attention at this early stage? Yes, Mr Bad Boy. I already know he is going to excite me and bring out my devilish side but would he be prepared to commit? Can I trust him when he says he wants a relationship? Mr Nice-Guy has already been vetted out for me by my work colleague who has known him since university days. He is trustworthy and squeaky clean. Despite knowing all this, I am once again drawn to the rebel. Question is, what will this rebel cause for me…only time will tell…

Banish the Cocktail bars and Ditch the Make up

Who likes a cocktail? Maybe the question should be who doesn’t?  Well, stop right there.  Do not say another word or move another muscle.  I have some very important news for you that should change your life.  That is, if you are a single, fabulous woman who wants to meet a wonderful man.  Save your cocktails for home and put your make up aside.

No more make up!

What you are doing right now not working for you, right?  You have tried speed dating, online dating, blind dating and if there was door-to-door house dating, you’d be trying that too.

You have read the usual tips on how to meet guys: go out more, be more forward, get a hobby, join a fitness class etcetera, etcetera.  And you have done all that too, many times over.  But just take a step back for a moment and think about this.  These wonderfully chic, sophisticated wine and cocktail places you frequent with your equally wonderfully chic, sophisticated girlfriends (also single), wearing your wonderfully chic, sophisticated (not to mention elegant) dress, heels and hairstyle (all perfectly coiffed) are not doing you ANY favours.  Why? I hear you ask.  Well, who actually frequents these swanky, glamorous bars (apart from your good self)?  MORE women like your good self and… gay men.  And if there are any heterosexuals there, they would be the well-groomed, eyebrow plucked, hair over-done types – nobody wants to date a man like that, do they?

I know it is pretty much hard to swallow right now and when I had this self-realisation myself, I became a little concerned.  No more cocktails?  No more lounge bars with funky music?  No more cute foreign bar men??  ‘Afraid so.  It is now time to banish the glossy hair and lips, chuck your 4 inch stilettos in the back of your closet (save them for when you are dating your 6’2” hunk of a boyfriend!) and start hitting the sports bars and grimy, old man’s pubs. 

I know you have spent all of your thirties avoiding such hideous, smelly, ugly places but it’s now time to revisit these places where you were ordering a cider and black and throwing up in the toilets at 23 years of age.  This (sadly) is where the real men are.  Some not very nice men, but some ‘ordinary’ type men where they are just chilling out with their mates and not eye-ing up every other woman in the bar.

So I can’t dress up anymore and look pretty anymore? Unfortunately, that is the harsh reality of it all.  Do you do any of the following when getting ready to go out: spend ages agonising about what to wear, how to style your hair, which shoe colour, eye shadow colour and nail colour would look best with your new purchased outfit?  If you answered yes to any of these, then it is time to take part in my experiment.  I am setting out a challenge to all women who truly want to meet a genuine guy and are sick to death of going out in the hope that some guy out there will ask for your number.  Gorgeous as you maybe dolled up to the nines; it naturally gives off an air of high maintenance to some men and can only work for you in the short run. 

The Challenge.  On your next night out (where you will be visiting a sports bar/pub), put on trainers or flat shoes, wear loose, comfortable clothing, comb your hair but no styling products and just wear cover-up make up because we all know that some things need covering up! Give it a go – what do you have to lose?

So, time for me to take my own advice, get off this laptop and venture to the no-so-pretty pub in my area and see what desirables are there waiting for me.  Barefaced and all and without a cocktail in sight.

Good luck to one and all!  Can’t wait to hear how you all get on.




Chemistry in the City

A touch of spark is all that is required

If you have experienced any of the following: belly flopping laughter; a ton of stuff in common; talking to the early hours;  all night to-the-earth-and-back rocket sex, then chances are you are one of the lucky ones who have experienced CHEMISTRY. 

It’s the kind of stuff that everyone is looking for in a date.  You know it’s there because something is drawing the two of you together.  It may only be one thing – but it sure to hell can work a treat.  My lover and I have this immense physical chemistry that most people only dream about. It’s fair to say that we simply cannot keep our hands off each other.  But that’s a whole other story…

In pursuit of finding another kind of chemistry, I dug out an old date.  He is very sweet, thoughtful, kind and keen to settle down.  We had stayed as friends and knowing that I don’t fancy him, I got thinking about looking beyond the physical side of things.  I thought maybe after 12 months, things may go differently this time.  Well, he still looked the same, in fact, maybe a little shorter (or my six foot one lover made him look shorter?)  Could I possibly create this ‘chemistry’ through our mutual compassionate nature and likeability factor? 

I gave it a shot.  Date 1 (second time around) went like this:  I asked him about his new job (yawn); we talked about holidays (mine), he asked me about my family (yawn again) and he talked about hanging around with his married sister and her baby most Saturdays, where people thought they were a couple – WEIRD!

Not a good start.  Still, I pursued it with a few cocktails down me to help things along a bit.  Then, his jokes started.   Not the ‘Knock, knock‘ jokes, just taking the piss kind of stuff.  Now I’m all for that…when you can actually make me laugh.   I smiled, sniggered, chuckled even, and at times, had to force a few giggles out.  I have been on numerous dates where I can honestly say guys have made me laugh out loud and those are the dates that I have enjoyed the most.  So without that happening, I’m afraid it was going to be a losing battle. 

Fear not.  Date 2 – second time around (maybe we were both on the nervous side on Date 1 – second time around??), we had dinner and more cocktails.  He paid me so many compliments but for some reason, I didn’t want to hear them.  He even got me a cocktail called ‘Oscar Angel Face’ saying it was just right for me.  When I said I was thirsty, he stood at the bar for ages to get me a glass of water.  Aaaaaaah, I hear you say.  Oh dear, in my pursuit of this ‘chemistry’, I may have led this guy up the garden path.  It just didn’t work.  By the way, did I tell you that his phone screen saver is his sister's baby 3D scan from 10 months ago?  Taxi!!!

So, I couldn’t create this chemistry with him but I am still left wondering whether it is something that can be built.  If there is attraction, common goals and similarities between two people, then maybe chemistry is something that can be developed over time.

David Givens Ph.D, anthropologist and author of Love Signals says, “You can create chemistry. Ordinary courtship goes over a period of weeks and months, and it builds up and adds up and eventually you get this kind of chemical bonding. Eye contact and discussing personal subjects can accelerate this chemical bond”.

I certainly know lots of people who will say that if it is not there instantly, if you do not feel the ‘ping’, then walk away and don’t try and force it.

If like me, you find it difficult to tell whether chemistry is there, then ask some of your nearest and dearest to tell you what their definition of chemistry is.  Here is what they said to me:

“You feed off each other in a positive way”

“It’s that feeling of comfort right off the bat with someone, feeling like you've known them a long time even if you haven't. It's almost like you can feel them even without touching them”

“You get butterflies in your tummy. You feel weak at the knees. But more than that you connect in such a way that everyone around you thinks you’re crazy”

“It’s like a natural closeness, comfortable silences”

“Just like a chemical equation, chemistry between two people must be balanced. The feelings are mutual and just like in normal chemistry; some things are just naturally drawn together and stick together. Keep in mind, some things are easily separated and some things are almost impossible to keep apart...”

“They are like great friends, and treat each other that way. One doesn't always have to be right, just able to communicate it correctly”

“To be able to have that kind of conversation, into the dying years, you will need a good partner who will converse with you”

“The only person that knows if chemistry is there is you”

I won’t be the only one to know if it’s there, the whole world will hear about it too.  Now, where is that one person to help me feel it…?